It Gets Better Than What?

I often get in debates with my mother about how good she did as a mother raising a child. She doesn't think she did all that good of a job. This is probably the opinion of most good mothers. It's much like an artist (any creator, really). Whatever we write, paint or produce is never good enough. We're fabulous creators, but at the end of the day no one can convince us that our award winning piece is as good as it really is. Same with mothers. The good ones will never be able to realize they've done their best and raised something incredible. This is strange to me especially since mine seems to be on the same page that I turned out alright. Yet she still doubts doing a good job raising what has become so great.

If you ask me, the end result is the proof that you've done a good job. However, ask certain people and they'll never agree that baptism by fire is a good method no matter what a great metal it produces. It all brings up thoughts on this "It Gets Better" campaign that continues to rear its head from time to time. It appears the beginning of the 21st century has been dedicated in part to saving our battered bullied teens. Which is both lovely and a bone of contention with me. Nobody saved us and now just because kids are seen as more vulnerable we have to tell them not to worry ... it gets better. 

I'm trying to think of someone fabulous I adore, admire and respect who was not born from great tragedy and  strife. I can't think of anyone. Can you? Please tell me because the older I get the happier I am when someone can tell me one of my long standing opinions is mistaken.

Which begs the question are we saving lives, creating fierce dragons or crippling the already weak even further? As we say almost weekly on The Fabulous D Show, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If you're not going to be a warrior then what in the hell are you doing fighting? And if you are fighting then I guess you're a god damned warrior. Slap a name tag on and don't worry about anyone patting you on the head. You just go on right ahead fighting.

It gets better. They keep saying it gets better. It does get better. If you stay on your own course and stick up for what you believe in then it gets better. But it gets better because you make it all better for yourself. One day you'll be out from under the thumb that's crushing you. You'll be happy you were true to yourself after that. Then you can build your empire far away from all those people you didn't like.

I am who I am. I'm strong and born to be brave. Few people stopped to pat me on the head. I got my support and I sought my shelter when the shit storms came. I got it all by myself. Crafty, no? Nobody reached out and offered a supportive shoulder. And when I held the knife to my wrists I made sure it had more purpose than if I was actually going to kill myself. Don't be silly. The last reason anyone should threaten suicide is to actually do it.



So, gentle readers, as we enter this Gay Pride Month and the It Gets Better people come out of the wood work all I can tell you is what I've kept telling you. Don't lean, don't go too crazy, just keep going. If you can't keep going then you really ought to reevaluate your game plan. Don't have a game plan? Perhaps that's the problem. Get one.

When I think back about all the times I was crying in the corner and pacing the floor in never ending panic that I'd never get out of Hayseedville I don't wish to change it. I don't find myself wishing things were different. In fact I panic at the thought of the opposite. I begin to visualize if this was changed just a bit or that was altered an inch to the left. If I had done this or that differently I may have not become what I am. And I have never, at any step of the way after I found out who I was, wanted to change who that was, is or could become.

Which is why when I get in those famous debates about my upbringing I am absolutely baffled. What do you mean you could have done a better job? I am me and I love me and if you would have moved an inch more to the right or left I might be different. The thought terrifies me. Everyone in my history can stay standing right where they always stood. They were the dominoes that effected the end result. I have no interest in anything but the continued result we all see before us now.

We're so uncertain these days. The only thing I've fought to be is myself. It never dawned on me that I would want to be anything else.